Eau de _____

For some reason living at my parents' house involves quite a bit of smell-mystery-solving. I'm not sure why this is...maybe it has something to do with it being a 30+ year old house where older folks AND small children reside. Or, my dad. Heheh. No seriously, as I have a somewhat sensitive nose, I generally can't rest until I've found and eradicated the source. Otherwise. I. Die. Here's a few recent cases:

Q: What is that god-awful pee-filled-diaper-that's-been-sitting-in-a-hot-car-for-a-week stank in the hall bathroom? Is it a diaper someone stashed in the wall? Is it faulty plumbing? Is it my dad?
A: Nada, it's a cretin-brained opossum who decided to amble into the basement and die directly underneath the bathroom. Eeew! This odor was so pervasive, it remained for weeks after my dad and Sam removed the bastard and buried him. Apparently some hair fell off his carcass when they picked him up, and long after it was gone we had to endure a game-y wet animal odor every time we ran the shower. Deees-gusting.

Setting: playing with Violet on the living room floor
Q: Why does it smell like nasty feet? Did Violet fart?
A: It's my dad's feet.

Setting: playing with Violet in her playroom on the porch
Q: Dear God, can I smell my dad's feet all the way out here?
A: Nope, it's Violet's feet. She took off her $9.99 Target no-animals-were-killed-in-the-making-of-these shoes, thus releasing a waft ranker than a Parisian cheese shop.

Q: Why does Violet suck her thumb standing next to me and PINCH MY ARM!!
A: This is not a smell question, but it makes it dang hard TO TYPE!! *swat* *swat*

Q: Why does it smell poopy yet chemical-y outside? Did Sam just take an excrement-filled diaper out to the trash?
A: The neighbor's propane tank burst a pipe, filling the air with a difficult to identify sewage-ish/gas od-our. Side effect of harmful air was one heck of a headache for us all.

Q: Why does this mysteriously wet microphone on Violet's new keyboard reek like nap-breath?
A: When Violet sings into her microphone (Song of choice is "We Are Awana Cubbies"), she puts it in her mouth. I wonder if it's harmful for her to suck on a recently Clorox-wiped microphone?

Q: Do I smell popcorn? Did Sam make popcorn? Why does the baby smell like popcorn?
A: The baby pooped. Oddly, the resulting odor calls to mind butter, salt, and corn product.

Q: Why do I sense a homeless/unbathed personage in the near vicinity? Am I also detecting mildew? Is it my Dad? Did he funk up his chair so bad that it smells even when he's not there? Why do I also smell when the door to parents' room is open?
A: This one was a toughie. Source of the problem turned out to be *deep breath* for some reason the hot water was off on my mom's washing machine, and she couldn't turn the spigot, so she was washing everything on cold. Cold water does not kill bacteria and such, so all the bedding/towels/clothes were not getting cleaner AND causing all to get mildew-y-ish and yuck. So, I had Sam turn the spigot on and now everything has gotten clean and is now fresh and said odor has disappeared. Whew.

Q: This is not a smell question, but why the FRICK does Baby Wright (BW) kick the crap out of my stomach everytime we side nurse in bed? He is laying there basically trying to climb up AND push away, all the while attached at the boob. Did I mention this makes me feel violent at 3am?
A: I have no earthly idea. The insult is twofold; firstly, we have the stomach area which, if I thought was damaged after Violet (BW: Hah!), contains stomach muscles split in half 2 inches apart covered by skin stretched to heck (my OBGYN: The collagen will not recover!) thanks to the BEHEMOTH that is BW. I have accepted the first, but Secondly, we have the incessant kicking that goes on while BW tiltshis head back and tries to see if he can get my nipple to reach 9 inches. Gah! Urgh.

Sorry for whipping out the B and N words.